Better Living Is A Science

To update from my last post, I can now state that - in some matters at least - better living certainly is a science.

After drinking far more than is remotely advisable at a staff party last night (yes, that was a Tuesday night and yes, that is as bad as it sounds, and yes I will have to live with the teasing for weeks to come) I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that moderation in, or indeed total abstention from, the consumption of alcohol is a preferable state of being.

It also helped me lose 7 kilos over the last two months.

Game set and match to sobriety.

I am pleased that I have resolved this moral dilemma. On to the other 99.9%.....

Casanova Clegg

I couldn't decide if this was an April Fool or if Nick Clegg is simply putting the 'L' back into Liberal.

According to today's Guardian "Nick Clegg cannot be accused of forgetting his promise to make British political life as "open and accessible" as possible".

"In an unusually candid interview [with the men's mag GQ], the Liberal Democrat leader reveals that he has slept with as many as 30 women and considers himself a competent lover, but admits he has received the odd complaint."

I'll be asking for Freedom of Information disclosures on Brown and Cameron next....

Are some things not best left unsaid?

Neologisms of Note

It was over two hundred years ago that the Brits gave up on the idea of policing the English language, as the French continue to do with their Academie Francaise, and let usage reign supreme as the arbiter of whether something is, or isn't, acceptable.

So let's start using some of the new words below, many of which seem DESIGNED with the EU institutions in mind, and see if they make it into next year's updated edition of the OED!
I got this as a foward and have posted all the non-crass suggestions it contains...Further suggestions very welcome in comments!

Now excuse me while I stop testiculating and go and perform some percussive maintenance on my computing device, so I can return to my vital 'work' in the adminisphere.

Later...

SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

TESTICULATING.Waving your arms around and talking bollocks (accurate description of parliament's plenary sessions).

BLAMESTORMING.Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY.The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM.An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING.When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 'home business'.

SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate (applies to most girls I know in Brussels...no matter how gorgeous or talented)

AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get itto work again.

ADMINISPHERE.The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded 'administrivia' - needless paperwork and processes (believe me, this strikes a chord)

404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OH - NO SECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've justmade a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badgesdisplaying stars that staff at fast-food rest au rants often wear to showtheir level of training.

Work Worries

Here's a query....what do you do when you have too much work and too little time?

a) cancel your weekend to do it - in this case an all expenses paid trip to a conference in Beirut?

b) do as much as you can, take the plane, turn the phone off - and deal with the fall out upon your return?

c) admit as much to the boss - then when he tells you it's gotta be done before Monday, offer to resign in the hope that not doing it in time isn't worth the hassle of replacing you??!

Phone lines open now! Amusing anecdotes welcomed

Just Ask Barbie...

I'm aware my last couple of posts have been a bit depressing. So I thought I would lighten the mood with some journalistic ineptitutude.

Now I know that MEPs aren't generally well known in their respective countries but I am surprised that those employed by the parliament don't seem to know who they are either.

(I definitely suffer from this problem: two women had plonked themselves at the table we'd reserved in a Thai place - one of my favourites - after a very long day at work. I asked my colleague, in a rather loud voice, what 'those girls' were doing there and shouldn't we ask them to leave: sadly for my career one of them turned out to be an MEP from my delegation...I guess it always pays to pay attention).

This months prize mix-ups are truly hilarious, stemming I think, from a combined ignorance of politicians AND the English language which is endemic in Brussels. I was reading the 'what's on' guide to the last session to see the Members' activities. And I discovered that Mary Lou 'Macdonalds' was giving a press conference on food safety. That made me laugh pretty hard. But it was nothing compared to "Barbie de Brun" leading toy safety campaigns.

I wonder what Sinn Fein's feisty Bairbre de Brun and Mary Lou McDonald would think of that.

Back and Bleary Eyed

Finally, back from my travels. One of the more eventful trips I've taken recently, the script read like a Western except without cowboys. Succumbed to Delhi Belly on the final leg back to London so spent my first days in Europe holed up in bed instead of enjoying the profusion of cheese and wine I had promised myself when contemplating stuffed parantha and palak paneer for the umpteenth time. My waistline has a lot to thank India for. Anyway, I am in no condition to comment further at this stage, being barely able to open both eyes at once. Photos have, however, been downloaded and can be seen in the links section on the right. Happy viewing if you are interested.

GM vs. Bill Gates

Normally forwards belong resolutely in the 'deleted items' folder but I liked this one so much I had to share it with you. Thanks Lisa... It's dedicated to all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics" (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

One in the eye for the French, Harold

Boris Johnson must be one of the only europhile Tories we've got. Though he'd have us cementing our connection to the continent in a rather unorthodox fashion. I love the descriptions of John Redwood's proposed polderland to solve the house-market crisis but the English invasion of France as a response to the problem simply can't be topped!

http://www.boris-johnson.com/archives/2007/04/ukfrance_euro_route.php

Do Not Compute

The hiatus in blogging is a result of reading too much Jurgen Habermas, whose reflections on discourse ethics have caused my brain to overload. Since the only things to occupy my thoughts recently are a) the constraints on pluralism implied by the concept of deliberative democracy and b) finishing the essay on time, I decided not to clog up the ether with any further reflections on the subject.

However, I would like to link to my photos, which I am putting up on Flickr. Thanks to Nora for the idea...You can see them here or in the links section of the blog

http://www.flickr.com/photos/7748495@N04/

Resignation Letter of the Year!

I have always wanted to go to a job interview and be entirely honest in response to questions. For example:

"Why do you want to work for this company?" - "I don't really, I just need the money".

"Why did you leave your old job" - "I couldn't stand the manager, the pay was terrible and I was bored out of my mind".

Of course, I am much too much of a sissy to do any of this in real life (though, who knows, maybe my older self will enjoy that sort of challenge). But I was so impressed when my friend Jonay showed me his last resignation letter. Let this be an inspiration to you!

'Dear Manager,

My name is Jonay Pelluz, my pay number is XXX/XXXXX and I have been in Royal Mail working, or what it's really true, trying to look busy when the manager is around, for more than 3 years and when I think about this I am surprised I didn't leave before. I am writing this letter because I want to resign from my job as of 11th September 2006. I suppose at this point of the letter you are thinking why?

I resign because the job is affecting my health, I am going back to Spain, it's deeply boring and I am sick of it. Although, to be honest, I resign because I miss:

The Spanish Tapas,
The Spanish Tortilla,
The Galician Octopus,
The Spanish Ham(onsito),
The Spanish Sun,
My girlfriend,
To have a night out until 8 o'clock in the morning,
And more things that I don't write because I don't think you are interested about them.

On the other hand I have to say, I will miss:
The English beer,
The English barbecues,
The English breakfast,
The English humour,
All my friends in the Post Office,
And my flatmates.

So, take care."

But is it Art?

I'm not sure that the technique of 'point and click' with my digital camera on automatic allows me to classify these as art in any sense of the word, but I like them and I hope you will too. Points to those who guess where they're taken...